...If...we were gonna talk about that anyway, right? So if you decide you wanna be Aradia’s sister wife or something,we can talk about why... That, uh, make sense...?
Yeah. In general though... for me. If you're kissing or doing other things matters less to me than if you... started dating them or loved them or something.
... I think that's part of why I got so bugged out about it before. Cuz I'd never consider you someone who like... does that stuff with people you don't care about, y'know? Not that it's an excuse.
...Yeah, uh. Same. If you-- I mean. I know you and your team are close already, so...
[continues to split the bagel into component atoms and decides to move on]
It's not an excuse. But if something was going on that, uh, affected how I felt, for you, then I'd've let you know anyways. 'Cause you're important.
...And that's why I got so pissed. 'Cause it meant you didn't trust me, or thought I wouldn't--value you enough to say anything. And--both of those're bad.
Eh... you don't really have to worry about any of them. 'Side from Ashes, don't think any of them would be interested in any of this stuff with me.
I do trust you-- it's not an issue of "value" or anything, either, and it took like... the rest of the night thinking about it to realize that's mostly what it was? The feelings thing. I'd kinda realized I had some jealousy stuff a bit ago, but it never came up, and I never had reason to think it would so I guess I just... if you don't acknowledge it it doesn't exist, right?
[ huffs, and drains her cup, flopping back on the windowseat ]
It's all bad though, you're right. ... I definitely panicked. I guess cuz it was like... if something like that happens, I won't matter anymore...? Or something. ... kinda felt worse after that dillweed sent everyones' submissions to our phones, too.
...
Maybe it's stupid, but... I.
Uh.
... you won't make fun of me if I'm honest about somethin', right?
[ drops her arm over her face, sorta. miserably red?? ]
I saw Intensity there and I like. I dunno. Got really sad, I guess...? Kinda felt like, maybe I'm really NOT good enough. I dunno a single person who'd be willing to kiss the guy that isn't basically crazy in love with him. And--
[ pauses. ]
... I dunno. My insecurity or whatever the heck about Intensity being a better girlfriend than me isn't your problem to fix and you don't gotta do anything about it or nothin'. M'just happy you're giving me a chance at all so I'll-- I'll work on it somehow.
He's the only one on the list who'd even dare to rub something like that in my face.
I don't know why you're so surprised! I'm literally living with two people who're crazy about him and they talk about what a good dude he is any time it comes up. Everyone who doesn't wanna kill him seems to love him. He's never been anything but rude to me, at best, and I keep getting oh he's not so bad, oh he really cares about people, oh he's been good and kind and loving and caring and.
... and with all that in mind, why wouldn't I be worried. I can't match up to someone that never screws up.
[after a beat of scoffing at the idea however, she comes a bit closer to Req, head cocked]
...Seriously, though. We been playing straight chicken since like the first week here, sure, but that's not the same thing. You don't got nothing to worry about.
If every guy I'm friends with is gonna make you feel like I'm two seconds from dumping you, then maybe we should keep talking about this. I mean, I don't get why I'm having this conversation with my girlfriend, but I'm not trying to date every dude I know, and it's kinda insulting you'd be thinking I was.
--no! Geez. No. He's the only one I know of I have an actual problem with personally! The Corona thing was just a surprise because like, why. Hurricane's involvement doesn't bother me at all. I've been trying to encourage him even... and he's like, one of my best friends! I've had lots of time to think about it. If you're kissing other dudes I don't even know about it and largely I don't care cuz most of the other guys I don't like I don't like cuz they've murdered you.
This is why I said it was stupid and asked you not to make fun of me about it because I KNOW it's dumb and I KNOW I'm an insecure idiot about it. I'm not sitting here accusing you of chasing dudes! I literally just wanted to be a little honest about my feelings when it comes to him and you tell me "why don't you date him" when he's honestly just been awful to me since we met.
... I just want to drop it cuz I don't really want to be the butt of this joke anymore but I'm just fucking up again instead. I'm sorry.
I didn't even know you two had a thing; we never talked about him because why would we, that's--
[cuts herself off, blowing out a long breath and some of her frustration, with it. starts over]
...Look. Sorry, for being shitty about it. But also, like, I was thinking you could go disprove whatever weird thing your teammates put in your head about what you should be comparing yourself to. 'Cause that's ridiculous, okay?
[takes a few steps closer and tries to catch her gaze, somewhere between earnest and pained]
You...get why this bothers me, right? If you've got a problem, I don't wanna drop it, I wanna help figure it out.
[ meets her gaze, after a moment, mostly just looking deeply embarrassed and kind of ashamed. ]
I know, I just... m'not gonna make you stop doing whatever cuz s'not really... fair to you, is it? Mostly I just stay away from him. And it's fine. We're "friends" or whatever but I don't really meet his junked up definition of it properly so... easier just to avoid him.
... I dunno. I'll try not to let him get under my skin so much.
Definitely; that's all he wants, so no reason to give it to him.
[takes a few more steps closer--hesitates--leans against the wall at the edge of the window seat]
...Even if he were the second coming of Cupid, or Venus naked in a shell or whatever, it wouldn't change anything about you, including how I feel. Okay?
I mean, you're... cagey about talkin' about stuff sometimes... and stuff like that, but... figured it's pretty normal not to trust me for that stuff this early? ... I can be patient sometimes, too. And none of that stuff is wrong, or hurts me, or anything, so I don't want you to force yourself to try to change or nothin. And you try your best anyway... Um, I would have said "say or do what you want more" but you've already started that on your own, a little... I think, anyway.
You don't have to change for me, Nem. I like you this way.
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stakesthesame) wrote2018-11-05 11:20 pm
Re: 127, afternoon
...If...we were gonna talk about that anyway, right? So if you decide you wanna be Aradia’s sister wife or something,we can talk about why... That, uh, make sense...?
Re: 127, afternoon
Yeah. In general though... for me. If you're kissing or doing other things matters less to me than if you... started dating them or loved them or something.
... I think that's part of why I got so bugged out about it before. Cuz I'd never consider you someone who like... does that stuff with people you don't care about, y'know? Not that it's an excuse.
Re: 127, afternoon
[continues to split the bagel into component atoms and decides to move on]
It's not an excuse. But if something was going on that, uh, affected how I felt, for you, then I'd've let you know anyways. 'Cause you're important.
...And that's why I got so pissed. 'Cause it meant you didn't trust me, or thought I wouldn't--value you enough to say anything. And--both of those're bad.
Re: 127, afternoon
I do trust you-- it's not an issue of "value" or anything, either, and it took like... the rest of the night thinking about it to realize that's mostly what it was? The feelings thing. I'd kinda realized I had some jealousy stuff a bit ago, but it never came up, and I never had reason to think it would so I guess I just... if you don't acknowledge it it doesn't exist, right?
[ huffs, and drains her cup, flopping back on the windowseat ]
It's all bad though, you're right. ... I definitely panicked. I guess cuz it was like... if something like that happens, I won't matter anymore...? Or something. ... kinda felt worse after that dillweed sent everyones' submissions to our phones, too.
...
Maybe it's stupid, but... I.
Uh.
... you won't make fun of me if I'm honest about somethin', right?
Re: 127, afternoon
Re: 127, afternoon
I saw Intensity there and I like. I dunno. Got really sad, I guess...? Kinda felt like, maybe I'm really NOT good enough. I dunno a single person who'd be willing to kiss the guy that isn't basically crazy in love with him. And--
[ pauses. ]
... I dunno. My insecurity or whatever the heck about Intensity being a better girlfriend than me isn't your problem to fix and you don't gotta do anything about it or nothin'. M'just happy you're giving me a chance at all so I'll-- I'll work on it somehow.
Re: 127, afternoon
Intensity? Really!?
Re: 127, afternoon
rolls onto her side facing away from nem and covering her face with her hands ]
Re: 127, afternoon
[mathlady.gif]
Of all the people on that list... Really!?
Re: 127, afternoon
He's the only one on the list who'd even dare to rub something like that in my face.
I don't know why you're so surprised! I'm literally living with two people who're crazy about him and they talk about what a good dude he is any time it comes up. Everyone who doesn't wanna kill him seems to love him. He's never been anything but rude to me, at best, and I keep getting oh he's not so bad, oh he really cares about people, oh he's been good and kind and loving and caring and.
... and with all that in mind, why wouldn't I be worried. I can't match up to someone that never screws up.
Re: 127, afternoon
[after a beat of scoffing at the idea however, she comes a bit closer to Req, head cocked]
...Seriously, though. We been playing straight chicken since like the first week here, sure, but that's not the same thing. You don't got nothing to worry about.
Re: 127, afternoon
she does sort of seem to deflate a bit though. ]
... had no idea.
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[this is probably a joke]
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[ sits up, slouching a little but just looking out the window. ]
Let's stop talking talking about this. Sorry I brought it up.
Re: 127, afternoon
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This is why I said it was stupid and asked you not to make fun of me about it because I KNOW it's dumb and I KNOW I'm an insecure idiot about it. I'm not sitting here accusing you of chasing dudes! I literally just wanted to be a little honest about my feelings when it comes to him and you tell me "why don't you date him" when he's honestly just been awful to me since we met.
... I just want to drop it cuz I don't really want to be the butt of this joke anymore but I'm just fucking up again instead. I'm sorry.
Re: 127, afternoon
I didn't even know you two had a thing; we never talked about him because why would we, that's--
[cuts herself off, blowing out a long breath and some of her frustration, with it. starts over]
...Look. Sorry, for being shitty about it. But also, like, I was thinking you could go disprove whatever weird thing your teammates put in your head about what you should be comparing yourself to. 'Cause that's ridiculous, okay?
[takes a few steps closer and tries to catch her gaze, somewhere between earnest and pained]
You...get why this bothers me, right? If you've got a problem, I don't wanna drop it, I wanna help figure it out.
Re: 127, afternoon
I know, I just... m'not gonna make you stop doing whatever cuz s'not really... fair to you, is it? Mostly I just stay away from him. And it's fine. We're "friends" or whatever but I don't really meet his junked up definition of it properly so... easier just to avoid him.
... I dunno. I'll try not to let him get under my skin so much.
Re: 127, afternoon
[takes a few more steps closer--hesitates--leans against the wall at the edge of the window seat]
...Even if he were the second coming of Cupid, or Venus naked in a shell or whatever, it wouldn't change anything about you, including how I feel. Okay?
Re: 127, afternoon
[ watches her lean, then at length nods a bit, bowing her head. ]
Okay.
Re: 127, afternoon
...You got some, uh. Feedback for me...? I can at least try to get better...
Re: 127, afternoon
... for what?
[ a thoughtful pause. ]
I mean, you're... cagey about talkin' about stuff sometimes... and stuff like that, but... figured it's pretty normal not to trust me for that stuff this early? ... I can be patient sometimes, too. And none of that stuff is wrong, or hurts me, or anything, so I don't want you to force yourself to try to change or nothin. And you try your best anyway... Um, I would have said "say or do what you want more" but you've already started that on your own, a little... I think, anyway.
You don't have to change for me, Nem. I like you this way.
Re: 127, afternoon
I mean, we been talking about you, but most of this kinda stuff's a two-way street, so... I don't want you to think I can't listen or anything.
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