I... no. No? I just-- if I hadn't... chosen wrong, and been selfish, when Avante-- they didn't even think about us. And I'm the only one that...
...
Maybe if I'd chosen right from the beginning FiN wouldn't have gotten trashed. And you-- I get it, if you and Red are angry at me, because I should have done better? And I didn't. And now Maki's here too, so there's more... support, I guess. And better people. So maybe they won't have to get hurt again.
[ that's... so much to unpack. he rubs his forehead and runs a hand through his hair with a frustrated noise, but the first thing to address is: ]
No one's mad at you.
I won't lie. Next time there's a game like this—if there's even another game like this, who knows, I'm gonna push Future is Now over all the other units. Over Avante, too. I'm not gonna back down easily. There's obviously personal reasons there, but it's not just that—I really think Future is Now is the only unit we can rely on to have our back.
But it's not on you that we didn't pick them, Req. No one but me or Red gave them even a little consideration, and that's on me and Red, too. We should've made a better case. We've gone through a lot of shit with them no one else was around for, and we took it for granted that everyone understood what kind of connection we have with them. We both realize that.
I mean... you say that but, at least since I've been here none of them... even if they like you two a lot, none of them ever really. Show it. What kind of connection is it if they never even try to make an attempt with the rest of us? Angel is nice and all but Intensity-- he's awful. I'm sorry, I know you like him a lot, but he's awful, and I'm positive he'd turn on the rest of us if it suited him better in the moment, or if it meant he could prove himself right about something. And I never bothered with them because none of them much bothered with me either and. I know I didn't understand, what they meant to either of you, and I'm sorry, but--
...
But Avante... offered help, and gave me a place to go if I needed somewhere else, and extended that invitation to any of us too, and Cardigan and Red both did their best to try to protect us in the Hunger Games, and they even came to visit, for no reason? And even-- even HSS, despite the trial and everything, even they've been kind to me and forgiven me and invited me over when I've done stuff like-- like hurt them, and kill their friends, and give them awful nightmares. And I can't even suggest protecting them, because nobody would agree.
And I just keep making the wrong friends and picking the wrong choices and I know all of my feelings are only personal so they don't really matter, as a whole, but I just--
[ finally coming over to actually sit down next to her ]
Ah, I don't think Avante doesn't care about us, for the record. Things between us are way better than anyone ever imagined they'd be, mostly thanks to you. But Cardigan will always prioritize their ideals, and our history being what it is, even if they all like you, there are probably still some of 'em that wouldn't be jazzed about the idea of putting me and Red above other people.
No comment on HSS, though. I know some of us can get along on a personal basis, but I don't think they'd ever lift a finger to save us.
. . .
Can you tell me what makes you so sure about Intensity, though? 'Cause when I say Future is Now is the only one I trust to support us, it's because—well, I've told you what our reputation used to be like, right? Back then, the only one who made sure important information got around to us or was willing to work with us at all was Intensity. And trust me, we hadn't given him a lot of reason to. We've hurt Future is Now just as much as HSS and Avante, maybe more.
Every time I talk to him it turns into a fight. I can't just sit there while he's being a-- condescending know-it-all, or throwing any attempt to be nicer back at my face. During the secrets game we said-- because Maki was gonna come to Zrael eventually, maybe it'd be better if we were like, y'know, not fighting, so I agreed, and he immediately started coming at me about how I reacted to his stupid date thing when we first met and that I should learn to take a joke. So I like, admitted that yeah, it upset me a lot, especially cuz of something I'd just remembered before that, and then he like scoffed or whatever and said it was just an excuse to get closer to you and called me "collateral damage".
And then I tried to drop off some snacks to their dorm the other night cuz I figured it's like, the least I could do? And like, peek in on you guys a bit, and see if you were okay, and he didn't even waste any time rubbing the fact that they saved US in my face and "why wouldn't I come in to talk to them" for that when I was just trying to be like, halfway decent, and not go into the house of someone I KNOW doesn't like me cuz I didn't intend to be there as long as I was in the first place.
Why would I-- want to spend time with someone who's just gonna neg me every time I speak, when I'm already feeling like gunk? Especially right after rubbing it in my face when I was already upset about that in the FIRST place.
But you and Maki are the same way. He already likes you two, so it's easy for you to say "well that IS him being nice" or "have you tried talking about something else" or something like that. If he's gonna be that way-- even when he's forced to tell the truth, he's that way-- then what am I supposed to do? You want me to just sit there and take it and be miserable until he decides I'm worth being nice to?
... I keep running into things that... you're all okay with, and I'm not, and I guess I don't really know how to... um. Deal with it. Or something. I guess.
But I love you guys? And I want to keep you all safe too. But that's... easy, compared to trying to protect someone else.
[ now it's his turn to draw his knees to his chest, dragging his hands over his face while he thinks out his response to that ]
... We aren't really going to change, most of us. We're different from almost everyone else here in the way we think, the way we act, our understanding of the world, our morals and our standards. Because of the worlds we were raised in, or because of what we were born to be. So—even if the way we think sometimes bothers you, I don't think there's an easy solution.
But we don't expect you to change and do things you're not okay with, either. So at least know that.
... I know. I guess it's... I'm really different to begin with, y'know? And then it's like... the people I should belong with, they're crazy different from ME too...? It's just... a lot. And I kinda lost it on Red and Ashes last time and... I guess I'm just, trying to ignore it more. Or something.
If it helps, it's not like the rest of us are all on the same page either. Red, Dia, Doodles, everyone—they all do or say stuff I don't understand sometimes. The same goes for them, about me, I bet.
But that's all we can do, really. Try to understand, and if we can't, move on.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chiming
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 06:00 pm (UTC)From:...? I voted against the majority, too. Should I evacuate the dorm?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 06:17 pm (UTC)From:...
Maybe if I'd chosen right from the beginning FiN wouldn't have gotten trashed. And you-- I get it, if you and Red are angry at me, because I should have done better? And I didn't. And now Maki's here too, so there's more... support, I guess. And better people. So maybe they won't have to get hurt again.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 07:19 pm (UTC)From:No one's mad at you.
I won't lie. Next time there's a game like this—if there's even another game like this, who knows, I'm gonna push Future is Now over all the other units. Over Avante, too. I'm not gonna back down easily. There's obviously personal reasons there, but it's not just that—I really think Future is Now is the only unit we can rely on to have our back.
But it's not on you that we didn't pick them, Req. No one but me or Red gave them even a little consideration, and that's on me and Red, too. We should've made a better case. We've gone through a lot of shit with them no one else was around for, and we took it for granted that everyone understood what kind of connection we have with them. We both realize that.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 07:56 pm (UTC)From:I mean... you say that but, at least since I've been here none of them... even if they like you two a lot, none of them ever really. Show it. What kind of connection is it if they never even try to make an attempt with the rest of us? Angel is nice and all but Intensity-- he's awful. I'm sorry, I know you like him a lot, but he's awful, and I'm positive he'd turn on the rest of us if it suited him better in the moment, or if it meant he could prove himself right about something. And I never bothered with them because none of them much bothered with me either and. I know I didn't understand, what they meant to either of you, and I'm sorry, but--
...
But Avante... offered help, and gave me a place to go if I needed somewhere else, and extended that invitation to any of us too, and Cardigan and Red both did their best to try to protect us in the Hunger Games, and they even came to visit, for no reason? And even-- even HSS, despite the trial and everything, even they've been kind to me and forgiven me and invited me over when I've done stuff like-- like hurt them, and kill their friends, and give them awful nightmares. And I can't even suggest protecting them, because nobody would agree.
And I just keep making the wrong friends and picking the wrong choices and I know all of my feelings are only personal so they don't really matter, as a whole, but I just--
I don't know, dude.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 08:35 pm (UTC)From:Ah, I don't think Avante doesn't care about us, for the record. Things between us are way better than anyone ever imagined they'd be, mostly thanks to you. But Cardigan will always prioritize their ideals, and our history being what it is, even if they all like you, there are probably still some of 'em that wouldn't be jazzed about the idea of putting me and Red above other people.
No comment on HSS, though. I know some of us can get along on a personal basis, but I don't think they'd ever lift a finger to save us.
. . .
Can you tell me what makes you so sure about Intensity, though? 'Cause when I say Future is Now is the only one I trust to support us, it's because—well, I've told you what our reputation used to be like, right? Back then, the only one who made sure important information got around to us or was willing to work with us at all was Intensity. And trust me, we hadn't given him a lot of reason to. We've hurt Future is Now just as much as HSS and Avante, maybe more.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 08:51 pm (UTC)From:And then I tried to drop off some snacks to their dorm the other night cuz I figured it's like, the least I could do? And like, peek in on you guys a bit, and see if you were okay, and he didn't even waste any time rubbing the fact that they saved US in my face and "why wouldn't I come in to talk to them" for that when I was just trying to be like, halfway decent, and not go into the house of someone I KNOW doesn't like me cuz I didn't intend to be there as long as I was in the first place.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 09:14 pm (UTC)From:He's a condescending know-it-all asshole. You're not wrong.
I don't think he doesn't like you, though. He invited you inside, right? If he hated you, he wouldn't bother. That is him trying to be friendly.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 09:22 pm (UTC)From:But you and Maki are the same way. He already likes you two, so it's easy for you to say "well that IS him being nice" or "have you tried talking about something else" or something like that. If he's gonna be that way-- even when he's forced to tell the truth, he's that way-- then what am I supposed to do? You want me to just sit there and take it and be miserable until he decides I'm worth being nice to?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 09:46 pm (UTC)From:Definitely insult him back instead of taking it, though.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 09:47 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 09:50 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 11:04 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 11:28 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 11:33 pm (UTC)From:I just want... someone I care about to care about us too.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 11:41 pm (UTC)From:[ sigh ]
Nemesis does, right? She cares about you, at least. Even if the rest of us are unfortunate extras.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 11:45 pm (UTC)From:[ thunks her head against her knees ]
Sorry. I know I'm being... stupid, and selfish. I know it's unrealistic and whatever.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-07 11:55 pm (UTC)From:☆ZRAEL cares. About you, and about us, more than anything else.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 12:02 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 12:04 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 12:08 am (UTC)From:Dude, shut up, I'm trying. Okay?
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 12:16 am (UTC)From:You're fine. There's no way to be a "bad ☆ZRAEL."
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 12:22 am (UTC)From:But I love you guys? And I want to keep you all safe too. But that's... easy, compared to trying to protect someone else.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 01:12 am (UTC)From:... We aren't really going to change, most of us. We're different from almost everyone else here in the way we think, the way we act, our understanding of the world, our morals and our standards. Because of the worlds we were raised in, or because of what we were born to be. So—even if the way we think sometimes bothers you, I don't think there's an easy solution.
But we don't expect you to change and do things you're not okay with, either. So at least know that.
no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 01:22 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2019-02-08 01:37 am (UTC)From:But that's all we can do, really. Try to understand, and if we can't, move on.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From: